Stella vs. Diet

My cat Stella has never hit a bowl of wet food that she didn’t like, which has become a problem in her later years. I decided to address the subject gently.

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Hey Stella – it seems like you’ve gained a few pounds lately.

I know! Ain’t it great I feel like a moose.

You know, it’s really not good to carry excess weight around.

Of course it’s fine. Storing fat means I’ll get through the next winter without any problems.

You live in a house. You always make it through the next winter no problem.

Not true. This house is propped up painfully on ceilings. In January, the couch is basically a glacier.

I’m just worried about your health. You are 17

It might be time to diet. Oh, you should have just said that! I’m going to be on a lemon-lime diet.

A what?

A lemon and lime diet.

Which is …?

One of those things in the pantry. Do you know the stuff you drink all day?

You mean a soda, Stella. This is not a diet. And I don’t drink them all day.

Says “diet” right on the can. And yes, you drink them all day.

Dieting means changing how and what you consume, Stella.

Like drinking diets all day. I am on board. Let’s go on a few diets and turn on Netflix.

This is the last time I’ve been dieting all day.

Hey, I’m not the one who leaves empty diets all over the house.

Stella, drinking “diet” lemon and lime soda every now and then doesn’t mean you’re on a diet.

Does that also apply to Diet Coke? And root beer?

All of them.

So you REALLY mustn’t be on a diet as it looks in our trash.

Listen, Stella: dieting just means serving you … uh … less.

Fewer? Less what?

Well, eat less, in short.

EAT LESS?! BUT I need all the food!

It will take some adjustments, but the –

Listen to me: do you appreciate the consequences of giving me less food?

Sure, and we’ll work together to –

Stop talking and look at me: Do you appreciate the CONSEQUENCES of giving me less FOOD?

Oh. You mean night right Especially the hours from midnight to 3 a.m. If you … make your “noises”, do I take it?

You’ve never heard me say things like that before, at such a volume.

You mean you held back?

I kept a few tricks in my back pocket – real horror show caterwauling.

You know I will feed you dry food for free. It’s there all day and you ignore it.

Let’s not make my dry food do that.

There is nothing wrong with your dry food.

Easy for someone who diets all day.

I don’t drink diets all day.

You have one in your hand right now!

How about this: we’re going to try an older wet food for a while and see how it goes.

Senior what? That said, it’s the top ranked food, right?

So similar.

So beef stew? Filet Mignon? BBQ duck?

Everything French style, hacked “chopped”.

Over time, I got some respect here.

Could make older portions too. Everything in.

Only the best portions for me! How about we seal the deal with a toast?

You still don’t get any soda, Stella.

No fair. People get the best diets.


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