Stella speaks exercise

After Stella had just celebrated her 18th birthday and was napping more than ever, I asked myself: do cats exercise? Would Stella exercise? How crazy would it be to ask her that?

Stella, you are now 18. I was wondering how you might feel when you start an exercise program.
What does this mean?


Ah. Do you know how I do yoga in the back bedroom every morning?
Is that what you do

What did you think i was doing
At first I thought you coughed a hairball –

But I do 30 minutes of yoga.
– Really bad hairball. But then I turned it off. I thought it would be one of those embarrassing things people do when they think cats aren’t looking at them like they are playing with your nose.

Am I playing with my nose?
“Play” is a non-profit word for it.

Let us continue.
I used to think you were digging for fleas, but that was way too many fleas.

Can we just talk about movement, please?
Christ, relax. Need some time to do your thing in the back bedroom?

I thought we could start going for a walk. Let the blood flow
Blood stops?

I just mean we can get some fresh air.
Is our air old?

I just mean this is indoor air. Fresh air is outside.
And we have to run to get it? How far? Is that why you go to the store so often? Why don’t you ever bring some back to me Can you hold me out ?!

It’s just a phrase, Stella.
Who would have thought exercise was so confusing?

Pamper me, Stella. I think you’d like to take a walk outside in the sun with the wind on your back.
OK, let’s go. Where?

Nowhere really. In the area.
Cats don’t make “nowhere”. Whenever we go, we have a clear goal: food, water, a ray of sunshine.

Wait, I see you mindlessly walking around the house the whole time. It’s like everything you do
That’s ROUND, smart boy. I check the entry points.

For what?
For people who want to attack me.

Ah right. I forgot that you are a cat.
Cats always have to be ready when someone tries to attack them. It’s our nature.

Have you ever thought about NOBODY wanting to attack you? As always? You are a cat and people love cats.
Maybe at the moment. But anyone could snap, and then where would I be? Attacked. Best to stay vigilant.

I still think that you’re a little bit paranoid.
How do you think I made it to 18? By always being on our guard.

Beware of what? Our postman?
I agree!

Back to walking. I could put you on a leash and –
Wait, what’s a leash?

You know a string that ties you to me
Did you say a string that ties me to you

Uh … how about we do it the other way around? The string doesn’t tie you to me, but does it tie me to you?
Hmm Bind you to me you say

Something still doesn’t seem right.

It’s completely overboard.
OK Good. I am going to take a walk with no clear destination to keep my blood from stopping and to get air that is not old. Is that exercise?

Some form of it.
You’re not going to make me do that back bedroom stuff, are you?

It’s just yoga, Stella.
Don’t fool yourself This is NOT yoga.

Featured image: VikiVector | Getty Images

Continue reading: Why cats and yoga make a perfect couple


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