During the holidays I asked my cat Stella what she thought of Carolern. It went as expected.
Hey Stella, what do you think of Caroling?
Is this when the neighbors attack us?
They’re not attacking us, Stella.
Strolling down the front aisle, howling and screeching, showing TEETH – that’s exactly the behavior of apex predators there.
It’s a Christmas carol, Stella. And you weren’t very nice last year if I remember correctly.
I saw Mr. Henderson’s MOLARS. It’s game when you show a cat a molar tooth.
They were just kind. It’s called Christmas joy.
It is hard to feel happy looking down into the abyss of Mr. Henderson’s gaping throat.
Can you stop with Mr. Henderson? He is a nice man.
I think he has a second row of teeth. One right behind the other like a shark. Or a manatee.
Anyway, you were very rude. They even tried giving you candy canes.
You mean the steel bars that are disguised as candy canes? The batons they were going to hit me with?
No, I mean the candy canes they wanted to give you because I told the neighbors that you like to play with candy canes.
You told them I like to play with candy canes?
They asked what they could bring you.
Huh. And I suppose when they sang We Three Kings they didn’t issue a proclamation that they would take the house and throw us to the wolves?
Did you think that
Did you hear the lyrics? It’s practically a battle cry.
I hate to break it, Stella, but the Christmas carol is about spreading joy, not threats.
Then someone gets Mr. Henderson a voice coach. He wouldn’t spend a day playing the Serengeti.
I think he has a good voice. In fact, the neighbors asked me to join them this year.
As what? Weapon holder?
As a fellow campaigner.
Seems about right. When you sing in the shower, I have flashbacks of battle hyenas.
You have never fought a hyena before.
However, I’ve thought about it a lot.
So you think I have a bad voice? Do you say that
I dont know. Sing something.
Well i will. Because it’s a thriller, thriller almost –
Oh please stop!
What? Is my voice that bad?
THAT is what you sing
What’s wrong with thriller?
You are a middle-aged man talking to a cat. Don’t add a singing thriller to the list.
Well, I wanted to ask you to join us, but you seem to have the wrong idea about Caroling.
Me? In the brigade?
Fine – train, mob, posse, whatever.
We’re just Christmas carols. Go with “group”.
Can we at least be a cadre? Seems like we’re missing out on an opportunity here.
Do you want to go or not, Stella?
Depends on. Are there any Christmas carols that don’t sound like they’ve been covered in dust for a century?
How do you mean?
Did AC / DC write Christmas carols?
You know maybe you shouldn’t go It could get a little nasty out there, what with all the attacks and so on.
You may be right. That bulldog on the street will mess you up the moment he gets a load of Mr. Henderson’s molars. You should put it back.
Don’t worry, he’ll do the heck.
If you need to talk more about strategy, I’m here. I saw a TON of Nat Geo.
I know you have it, Stell.
Continue reading:What cats really want for Christmas